This is my life with depression. It was undiagnosed for a long time, and still remains something friends and family mentally eye roll about. “You’re not depressed, you’re always laughing and joking.” “You have nothing to be depressed about.” Go outside, spend time with your friends, stop reading so many books. Try not to be so depressed.
Believe me, I wish my life could be as happy as the moment Alan and Ellie see living, breathing dinosaurs for the first time in Jurassic Park. The music swells and they just stare in disbelief and wonder, and you feel so happy.
But that’s not what’s going on inside my head. My head is more like The Park is Closed. Beautiful and unique, but also sad and bittersweet. It’s filled with memories, maybe wiser than it’s time. Maybe too wise. It’s quiet, deep, and dark. It’s hopeless, and so final.
I’ve been unhappy for a long time, and I could never seem to get anyone to take my words seriously. Once, I admitted to my dad that I thought I needed medication. He stopped, and stared at me for a moment, before saying “you really feel that way?” I nodded, but when three people walked into the kitchen – we were having a family gathering at our house, you see – and I was back to normal, smiling and laughing not 30 seconds later. And he never brought it up again. I wanted him to, desperately. If anyone was going to take me seriously, I thought it would be him. But he never asked again.
I apologize a lot. I’m horrible at answering text messages, and I rarely make plans without prompting. Depression can do that to you. Simple things can be an impossible task. I request at least once a day to please just bear with me. I’m trying, I promise.
This blog was meant to be my own form a therapy, but lately it’s been that impossible task. I’ll write half a post, and then editing, creating graphics, and finishing those words just seems like a huge, daunting nightmare. It’s not, but man does it look rough from over here.
So I’m asking and entire world of people who may stumble across this post, and these words. Please bear with me.